Review: Dragon Ball Z – Ultimate Tenkaichi (PS3)

I suppose that just because something is puerile doesn’t mean it is bad.

IGN described Darksiders as a combination of God of War and Legend of Zelda. They’re right. The combat is a mashy blitz of jumps and slashes, and you have to collect heart pieces in order to amp your life bar. Thus far – and I’ve made it to the release of Samael – it’s OK. Aside from looking at the map to track down treasure chests and weighing the next attack combo, there’s not a lot of thinking involved.

However, Darksiders is the kind of game where they have a sword named “Chaoseater” and you’re supposed to think that’s badass. Still.

That’s what gets me. The game is draped in the kind of juvenile My First Dungeons & Dragons mythology that makes me doubt any group of adults could have once sat in a room and plotted this unironically. The setting for Darksiders (why is it called “Darksiders”?) is a war between Heaven and Hell. Naturally, the angels are all glowing wings and radiant armor. The demons are grotesque amalgamations of gore and embers. You play as War, one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, who actually serves a master greater than than of Heaven or Hell: the Charred Council, who is tasked with keeping cosmic balance between the two. Basically, if either Heaven or Hell steps out of line, the Horseman are supposed to keep the peace.

War looks to me like he stepped right out of a 1990s Marvel Comic, by way of World of Warcraft. You know. Bionic limbs, gigantic weaponry, scarred face, dark hoodie, grumpy disposition. It’s just all so eye-rollingly pre-fabricated. And you’re expected to soak in the gushing blood and macho posturing and swoon over how AWESOME it all is. I mean, that giant DEMON just stepped DRAMATICALLY towards the camera and ROARED!

Look, I was there. If you could find my high school writings, you would find pale fantasy stories featuring characters with names like “Xander Foulwill.” (True story.) But today we’ve so many like-minded mega-violent swords and sorcery games that never advanced beyond that ninth grade Creative Writing class. At least Bayonetta had the wherewithal to come in from a campy angle.

The good news is that it is fun. From a “I’m Just Here For The Button Mashing” point of view anyway. You march through the map, slicing up zombies and bats and angels and beasts, often triggering single-button kill moves. Collecting the game’s currency – souls, natch – allows you to buy more moves and weapons. To add to the Zelda connection, there’s the emo version of Navi: a preening, sneering sidekick voiced by Mark Hamill. You can also buy empty bottles.

I will say that I like the game’s setting thus far… a post-apocalyptic New York covered with a century of dust and overrun with warring angels and demons. That’s been the one bright spot in the lacquer of badass gravel-voiced character designs. I hope the game doesn’t suddenly pull a Half-Life and change the setting to Boring Awful Fantasy Fire World Zone.