Review: Dragon Ball Z – Ultimate Tenkaichi (PS3)

Wii Music is not for us. It’s not, it’s not, it’s not. It’s for the casuals, maybe young children, families afraid of video games in general, and everybody out there who thinks that the only games for Wii are the ones with “Wii” in the title.

So with that in mind, you’d think Nintendo would be trying a little harder to sell Wii Music as fun. On the Wii’s Nintendo Channel (and on wii.com), Nintendo is posting a series of short videos spotlighting each instrument and how you will play it with Wii Music. And each video shows a trained model trying their damnedest to look like they’re not enjoying it. Take a look at these screengrabs and see if you can spot anybody actually having fun pretending to play instruments with four buttons and motion control.

Taiko Drum

This guy is sooooo focused on his imaginary Taiko Drum. An instrument that, by the way, is coming to Wii in the form of the PS2′s Taiko Drum Master… which will have an actual plastic drum that plugs into the Remote, so you won’t use the Remote as a drumstick, you’ll have real plastic drumsticks. Hitting real things with real things is approximately five billion times more fun than hitting air.

Harp

Did they tell this poor girl to get angry at her harp?

Marimba

The marimba is akin to a xylophone. Do you think the xylophone controls will be any different than this?

Great pointy shoes, though.

Acoustic Guitar

Air guitar. I get it. Well, that’s for the granola-heads; acoustic is usually more serious. I bet the electric guitar screams, right?

Electric Guitar

Nope.

Trumpet

The audio for the trumpet clip sounds nothing like a real trumpet, by the way. It sounds more like one of those electronic keyboards that you find at the dollar store.

Still, not having fun. And I bet those are the same shoes as the girl in purple.

Flute

Do you think she’s like this all the time? “Hey Genevieve, want to go get a coffee?” “No, darling, I must practice my introspection.”

Conga Drums

Remember when Nintendo tried to sell us real plastic conga drums? Never thought you’d wistfully look back on that, did you?

Piano

Each video begins with a borderline-insulting explanation of the instrument, followed by an apology for how hard it is to play it in real life, and then some insipid instruction like “and you can do it just by toodling buttons!”

Marching Snare Drum

Eyes straight ahead. Simulate marching band. Must not think about what I had to do at last night’s hazing.

Violin

Oh, she is just insufferable.

Clarinet

Closest expression yet to a smile! Where’s the dour? Is that teeth I see there? Get her out of my sight!

Why doesn’t Nintendo showcase the resultant fun that all this hapless simplicity brings you. Instead, they ginned up some studio shoots of people looking bored, annoyed or downright hostile while playing Wii Music. The rockin’ vids of a Mii Band doing Yankee Doodle were more inspiring than this. Although I’d hate for them to swing the other way and go all cheesy fake adrenaline (like Activision’s Guitar Hero videos), but surely there has to be a middle ground somewhere.

Wii Music is apparently in stores next week.