After quite some time of keeping the secret, this week Harmonix announced the FIVE BONUS songs that will grace the Wii version of Rock Band. Since many previous Nintendo editions of multi-console games have arrived with fan-pleasing content (see such games as Soulcalibur 2, DDR Mario Mix and NBA Street V3), it was natural to speculate that Rock Band Wii would arrive with some kind of classic Nintendo music. But here’s what we’re getting:

• “Dirty Little Secret” – The All American Rejects
• “Don’t Look Back in Anger” – Oasis
• “Roam” – The B-52’s
• “Rockaway Beach” – The Ramones
• “Roxanne” – The Police

So yeah, five tracks already available on the Rock Band store for PS3 and 360. Some surprise.

This is fine, I suppose, but given that Rock Band Wii will have no online play and only a faint, faint hope of DLC songs… well, Wii owners will be forgiven for hoping for something a little nicer.

Like, say, five Wii-exclusive tracks culled from twenty years of Nintendo gaming? Here’s my nominations for the awesome Rock Band Wii that will never be…

#5 DK Rap (Donkey Kong 64, 1999)

Obviously the first challenge to finding Nintendo songs suitable for Rock Band is finding ones with lyrics. And what instantly leaps first to mind? The atrocious, embarrassing, completely tedious DK Rap. The version embedded above is the original; the remastered version found in Super Smash Bros Melee is probably the preferred version due to it running quite a bit faster.

#4 Mona Pizza (WarioWare: Touched/Twisted, 2004/2005)

Am I crazy or does Rock Band lack songs for female singers? Enter the lovely Mona, the cheerleader/pizza store owner from the WarioWare series. And if this particular choice doesn’t float yer boat, WarioWare could also offer Ashley’s Theme (about a little antisocial witch girl) or that wonderful enka song found in the first WarioWare. That one would require you to sing in Japanese though.

#3 Mario Twins (Internet, 2002?)

OK, reaching a bit outside Nintendo’s comfort zone here, but this famous Flash animation by Keith McKnight and Group X has the hip, modern edge that would work well inside Rock Band. Plus it allows for a Mario inclusion, a franchise almost totally lyric-free. Imagine being able to do a two-man mic-off to this one.

#2 Forest Life (Animal Crossing, 2002)

Can’t rock Nintendo without including Animal Crossing’s wandering bard, K.K. Slider. “Forest Life” is more or less the theme to Animal Crossing, and K.K.’s blissful, introspective warbling would make this a treat to sing.

#1 PokeRAP (Pokemon animated series, 1998)

And here’s the finisher, lyrics-wise: a tongue-tying monsterpiece that only a true Poke-fan (such as myself) could get right. I would sail through this song on Expert. Again, I’d expect Rock Band Wii to hep it up a bit, amp the tempo, and really make this a true boss song.

Actually, there’s quite a few pleasant pop numbers on the 1999 soundtrack release Pokemon: 2 B A Master, alongside the PokeRAP. I know I’d enjoy “Viridian City,” “What Kind of Pokemon Are You,” the titular “2 B A Master,” and the angsty-mellow “Everything Changes,” the song that treats Pokemon evolution as a death metaphor for kids!

BONUS Live and Learn (Sonic Adventure 2, 2001)

Why not a bonus song beyond the five? And why not take it from Sonic, a franchise quickly learning that the only way to stop sucking is to appear in Mario games.

No stranger to insanely great rock lyrics, the Sonic Universe is exploding with possible Rock Band songs. I’ll suggest “Live and Learn” as the top of the heap, but “City Escape” (also from SA2) is another great choice.

Now wouldn’t all of that have been much better than “Rockaway Beach”?